


When a Triangle Loves an Elderly Man

by JoyHeart



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Bill is not a demon, Canon Compliant, M/M, Nipple Piercing, One-Sided Attraction, Sorry Not Sorry, anyway i wrote this in like half an hour idfk, bill is thirsty, but ford will not quench the thirst, but i mean hes still a godlike being so whatever, dont pierce your nipples if you dont want to commit, failure at wooing, ford is cute though, it is my fan theory and I hold by it, maybe humor idk im too tired to tell, maybe stancest if you squint but not really, occurs after fade out from the penthouse scene, pain pain pain, second chaopter very marginally related to first, squish his wrinkly face cheeks, thirsty for ford, triangle!Bill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-05-29 20:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6393388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyHeart/pseuds/JoyHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened in the penthouse after the fade to black.</p><p>Also I don't believe Bill Cipher is actually a demon and like 70% of my reason for this was to splurge my headcanon about what he is (spoiler... he is a triangle; DONT SHAME MY HEADCANON PEOPLE)</p><p>No sex or anything just Bill trying to confess his feelings and claiming he TOTALLY NEVER LIED TO YOU FORDSY JUST LISTEN and Fordsy is just like... no Bill stop I am too goodTM and pureTM for this plan of evil I am a noble hero of old.</p><p>Or smthg idk now I've made it sound like crack but it's not it's just 2am and Im so tired I can't write this summary I might come back later and fix this mess I don't know. Sorry.</p><p>I have come back later and I am not fixing the summary but now this is apparently a crack series damn</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**When a Triangle Loves an Elderly Man**

                Bill Cipher was not actually a demon, first of all.

                Oh sure, he responded to summoning, offered deals, had all the fire and creepy telekinesis and sure, his friends actually WERE mostly demons… but he himself wasn’t one. Actually, he was made up mostly of math equations and a spark of creativity, but he didn’t like to spread that around since if CERTAIN humans ever found out about that they might figure out certain annoying equations that could do him quite a lot of harm indeed. So that was kept under wraps.

                When he were define himself, he frequently called himself a being of pure energy from the second dimension, a creator of chaos, and sometimes other labels if he needed to scam someone. He never called himself a demon because quite frankly, as far as beings go, he respected most demons. Beings of chaos and violence and yet they could always be counted on to keep to their word, and were WAY more loyal than any other creatures Bill had come across. He didn’t want to get them associated with all the shit he got up to, it would spoil their good name in his opinion. Of course, that didn’t stop humans from ASSUMING he was a demon, but that just worked to his advantage.

                After all, demons are bound to the deals they make. Bill Cipher was not. Oh sure, most deals he followed through with if he had to deliver first as his supposed demon status made humans assume they HAD to fill their end of the bargain… but if Cipher got his end first he was just as likely to ditch the mortal if fulfilling their end didn’t further his own plans. He was, when it came down to it, nothing but an interdimensional wanted criminal that managed to kill enough big wigs to have a decent power complex. It was certainly helpful that he accidentally killed a chaos god when he was but a square root of a hypotenuse (the details of this were hazy to him now but he’s pretty sure it involved a flight of two dimensional stairs and pushing him down in the forbidden direction known only to his peers at the time as “downstage”) and as EVERYBODY knows, if you kill a god you gain his powers.

                Bill’s most recent god-kill was the Time Baby himself, so now he controlled all of time! Cool!

                So, Bill Cipher was not a demon, but he was doing pretty well at instating himself as the god of stuff so like, that was pretty good. And honestly, as a being mostly of math and creativity, he hadn’t REALLY been far off when he told ol’ Fordsy he was a muse.

 

                “I mean, what does a muse DO, Sixer?” Bill asked the man who dangled in front of him in chains.

                Stanford glared at Bill and grabbed at the collar around his neck to relieve some pressure (though the chains holding his legs in the air stopped him from strangling to death, humans are so _fragile,_ Bill would have to fix that.) “A muse… a muse is a god!”

                “Check.”

                “You- fine, a muse inspires humans to greatness!”

                “Which I do. I mean, it’s to my own ends, but, you know, totally fits the bill. LOL! Get it? Bill?”

                Stanford slapped a hand over his eyes and groaned as Bill laughed uproariously over his pun, though that petered out as the triangular ruler of Gravity Falls took another sip of wine and then gazed at the man in front of him. Thirty years did better for his human than it did for most of those pathetic mortals. Grey hair suited him, even the wrinkles were kind of distinguished, and that squishy meat suit of his was pretty toned up too. Though, Bill supposed wandering and fighting to stay alive in a nightmare dimension would do that to a guy.

                “Bill, I am NOT giving you any kind of opening into the outer world. Haven’t you done enough damage?”

                “Nope!” Bill said cheerfully. “Anyway, like I SAID, you should totally just join me! You could be a god, the world will be chaotic and AWESOME, and I TOLD you we can keep your family safe if you really want. I can make more of those bubbles I kept Shooting Star in, they can all be set up living in their dream worlds forever! Separately of course, seems having more than one mind in a bubble makes them less effective…” Bill muttered the last bit, still annoyed that the kid had managed to save his sister after all. Oh well, he’d catch them again, no sweat.

                “And I said that even if I wanted that, which I DON’T!” Ford glared again as Bill made a scoffing noise while rolling his eye, “I can’t possibly trust you with how you betrayed me!”

                “I never LIED to you though, Sixer!” Bill snapped, getting frustrated.

                “You said you were a muse!”

                “Which, at the time, could TECHNICALLY be considered true!”

                “Y-you said we’d change the world for the better!”

                “It IS changed for the better!” Bill said loudly, then snorted. Somehow. Without a nose. “Well, better for me. You know, ‘better’ is such a subjective term-“

                “Y-you called me a pawn!”

                “Aaaand you were,” Bill snapped his fingers and two more chains blinked into existence to pulled Ford’s arms away from his face and behind his back. Bill quickly got up close to Ford and made unwavering eye contact with his left eye (Bill did have to pick and the left was his favourite. He liked that the Latin word for left was ‘sinestra’ so… yeah). “But you know those feisty little pawns that make it to the other side of the board?”

                Bill blinked. “You… you’re… promoting me?” he sounded bewildered, but Bill was pleased to see him starting to come around to at least believing Bill was serious about his offer. That was good. Now he just had to make him take it.

                “You got it Sixer!” Bill reached out and pinched his cheek. Ford winced as Bill tugged on it, giggling at the way it made his jowls jiggle. He grabbed the other side and did the same thing, getting distracted as he wiggled the loose skin around. “Wow, your skin got really saggy didn’t it? It’s kind of fun! I wonder if I could just kind of…” he hummed as he tried to smoosh some skin around to make a little happy face but it wouldn’t stay at this angle. Maybe if he tilted Ford back a little-

                “BILL! Stop it!” Ford yelled in a very manly way, or maybe he whined it kind of pathetically, Bill wasn’t really paying attention and the words didn’t register for a moment.

                “Hmm? Oh, whoops, sorry Sixer! But yeah! Totally promoted. I mean, you’ve seen my crew right? All of them were pawns at one point or another! But they worked hard, swore their undying loyalty to me, and all of them are my best friends! Or, more accurately, minions. But I mean, they still get to party so, meh.” Bill shrugged, then poked Ford under the chin with his cane. “All of them worthy rooks, knights and… well maybe not bishops…”

                Ford’s eyes were hard when he spat, “And what would you have me do then with this ‘promotion’?” Aw, Fordsy actually did air quotes with his fingers. He was so cute. “Torture innocent civilians? Tear apart relics of human history, destroy everything in this universe before science gets a chance to even try to understand it?”

                Bill rolled his eye again. Ford always made him do that too much. Silly human and his antics and morals and stuff. “Well if you don’t want to be a part of that you don’t have to, you can just come in when this universe is a blank canvas and help me shape it into something cooler. I kind of want to go with a pyramid theme for the planets, spheres are SO overdone, you know? But I mean if you like them you can make a few I guess…”

                Ford growled. “So you want me to let you out so you can destroy everything and everyone? And all you’re offering in return is to imprison my loved ones, let me cobble together some abominations of planets with the junk left over from your apocalypse, and make me your… what? Rook? Knight?”

                Bill suddenly felt his body turn pink and he coughed, backing off a little and swinging his foot in the air. “Well I mean, I was thinking more like… Queen but hey I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to!” Bill laughed awkwardly, scratching at his hat, “Well, I mean, except for giving me that equation to get out, definitely going to make you do that, but I mean OTHER than that, you can still be a rook if you want I mean, unless you WANT to be queen-“

                Bill glanced at Ford to see him gaping openly at Bill. “You- Q-quee- You must be joking.”

                Bill huffed, tapping his foot in the air now and folding his arms, avoiding eye contact. “Why ‘must I’ Sixer? What, I can’t have a human queen? It’s because I’m a triangle isn’t it! That’s so shape…cist.”

                Ford’s eye twitched. The left one. Bill’s favourite. “Well, f-first of all I’m a man-“

                “My home dimension had over twelve thousand genders, believe me, AINT NOBODY got time to worry about homosexuality, Fordsy.”

                “No I mean, a queen denotes-“

                “Married to the king, yeah,” Bill coughed again, once more looking away, “Look, I know it’s a big step, doesn’t have to happen right off, like, we could date. Ever been to Saturn’s moons? I could take you before we blow it up- heck if you like it maybe we could keep Saturn! I could give you Saturn, you know, as a romantic present! How does that song go? _If you like it then you put Saturn’s ring on it?_ Is that how it goes? _”_

                “I don’t know because I was trapped in A NIGHTMARE DIMENSION FOR THIRTY YEARS BECAUSE OF YOU!”

                “Nooo, you were trapped because of your brother, remember?” Bill said, deceptively calmly for someone about four seconds for turning a bitch back into gold.

                “Yes well…” Ford flushed now, and Bill’s eye twitched up in delight. His human was so adorable it was a crime. “A-anyway, queens are female!”

                “Again, twelve thousand genders, queens are whatever. Look, put gender aside and think about WHAT I AM OFFERING YOU.”

                Ford stared for a moment, then his skin steadily reddened and Bill felt this confirmed Ford had been trying to distract himself from considering the full implications of Bill’s words.

                “B-but… why would you want… this is out of nowhere!” Ford cried, and Bill growled now, making the chains hoist Ford closer so they were face to face again.

                “Out of nowhere? No it isn’t! I’ve called you cute tons of times! At least two times! Also offered you a chance to join my crew, TWICE! NO ONE gets asked again when they turn down Bill Cipher! (Mostly they get incinerated) But I turned you into gold and let you hang out at my party anyway! (I mean you weren’t conscious but it’s the thought that counts) And like, do you think this is even CLOSE to the most efficient way to get that equation out of you? I could have hunted down your family like pigs to slaughter in front of you one by one until you gave it up! I could have physically tortured you! But no! I serenaded you with my own beautiful voice in my own penthouse suite! I offered you wine and the world, even shared my tragic backstory!”

                “The one where you destroyed your home dimension because it was boring?” Ford asked, sounding unimpressed.

                “EXACTLY! So tragic,” Bill sniffled a little for effect. “ANYWAY, I was practically THROWING MYSELF at you, Sixer! Honestly, I’m embarrassed for myself, I was so obvious!”

                Bill hovered close to Ford and threw an arm around his shoulders. “I’m wild for you Sixer! Geez, I know we had a rough patch for a few decades, but I could give you so much to make up for that! Your family’s lives, godhood, immortality, my undying love, Saturn, all for the price of a few measly numbers! Come on Fordsy, you know you love me!”

                Ford looked at Bill’s hopeful face as it hovered in front of him. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

                Then he headbutted Bill right in the eye.

                “OW WHAT THE HELL, FORD?!”

                “I AM NEVER GIVING YOU THAT EQUATION!”

                “FINE! FAMILY TORTURE IT IS!”

                “FINE!”

                “FINE!”

                And with that, Bill zapped Ford back into gold and sulked on his human skin sofa for a solid hour before going back to the party to start planning for when the other Pines would show up for the ‘rescue mission’ that was probably happening. Whatever. When he ruled everything and everything was more or less destroyed and his family killed or locked away (Bill hadn’t decided which was a better idea just yet) and all he had was Bill, Fordsy would see reason. He was smart.

                He looked at Gideon dancing in his cage and chuckled.

                “You know why you never impressed the Pines girl, kid?” If Bill had a mouth he would have grinned. “You never went big enough. Those Pines need a lot of convincing.” Bill gazed down at the Ford statue in his hand. “A whoooooole lot of convincing.”


	2. Nipple Piercings Are Commitment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bill and Stan convince Ford to get nipple piercings.
> 
> Set several years after Weirdmageddon, same universe as last chapter I guess. Bill is back I kind of explain that. Anyway I got my nipples pierced and wanted to put Ford through my misery here you go.

**Nipple Piercings Are Commitment**

                “You have got to be kidding me,” Ford said, eyes twitching and the most horrified expression on his face. He had been in the lab, minding his own business, when suddenly Bill had appeared out of nowhere in a burst of disco lights and fog to ask something entirely ridiculous.

                “Ford, I have never been more serious about anything in my entire life,” Bill said, and certainly he looked as sincere as a one eyed triangle could manage.

                “Why would I EVER let you pierce my nipples?” Ford snapped, throwing his hands in the air.

                Bill made his eye wide and oddly sparkly as he clasped his hands before him in a pleading gesture. “Because you love me and want me to be happy?”

                Ford slapped a hand over his face. “Bill. You almost destroyed the entire universe-“

                “But-“

                “TWICE! All that trouble destroying you the first time-“

                “Which HURT me Fordsy, but I FORGAVE you-“

                “I nearly lost my family you ridiculous-“

                “YOU OWE ME!”

                Ford stared at Bill, who had turned red and menacing, but it was less out of fear and more out of disbelief.

                “How, exactly, do I owe you anything?” Ford asked in bewilderment.

                Bill tsked and rolled his eye. “Well, I helped you build that portal and you betrayed me-“

                “WHAT! You betrayed ME! You LIED-“

                “I think we established that I never lied to you when I was busy NOT killing you during the first Weirdmageddon and serenading you with my beautiful voice to confess my love instead?”

                “Yeah, about that now that you mention it,” Ford leaned forward with a skeptical expression, “If you were… ‘wild’ about me as you said, why didn’t you say anything while I was still on your side?”

                “Phht, OBVIOUSLY I was waiting till the portal was open to confess myself and sweep you off your feet so we could rule the galaxy together!” Bill gave Ford a sideways look, “Which we could still do if you just-“

                “I am NOT taking the seal off your reality-warping powers, Bill.”

                “AW! Well, anyway, you still-“

                “And I’m not finished. Okay, so if you liked me, why did all your wanted posters in the nightmare dimension say you wanted me dead or alive?”

                Bill groaned. “Look, okay, I was still kind of bitter about the whole betrayal thing, and maybe we both did things we regret.”

                “I regret nothing I ever did to you, though I do regret doing anything FOR you,” Ford snorted, folding his arms. Bill looked unhappy with that.

                “So like I was SAYING, you owe me! Look, you betrayed me, wouldn’t hand yourself over to my Nightmare drones when summoned, refused my two very generous offers to join me, tricked me AGAIN and DESTROYED ME, THEN, when I FINALLY was able to get my cult of ancient power off their ASSES to summon me back to existence (now in an indestructible state) and brought on WEIRDMAGGEDON 2: THE WEIRD-VENGE, you went and locked up most of my powers! I’m only good for parlor tricks now! Not to mention I’m still stuck in this stupid hick town since you never DID give me that equation. Do you know how many minor deities I had to kill to get the juice to come back from the dead? All WASTED on this feeble powerless existence!” Bill moaned, trying his best to look pitiful. “The only good thing that came of that is that you can’t leave the town either without my powers getting free again…” Ford was unmoved.

                “Bill. There is literally no reason for me to let you pierce my nipples. Why would you even WANT to? What do you gain? I mean, I doubt it would even hurt that much overall…”

                Bill snorted. Without a nose. Somehow. “Uh, hello? You? Golden triangles hanging from your sagging tits? Shirtless? It’d be SUPER hot!”

                Ford suddenly fell into a coughing fit and while he tried to recover, Bill flew in to pull up his shirt (and making a squeak come out in amongst the coughing) and fit one of the triangular metal barbells he was hoping to impale his favourite human with up against one of said saggy nipples for size. It would look totally cute, Fordsy just needed convincing!

                Ford growled and pushed Bill away from him, pulling his shirt back down and looking indignant. “Bill, stop it. I’m trying to work, I don’t have time to deal with you and your… your silly requests! And… and…”

                “And?” Bill looked up from inspecting where his fingernails would be if he had them.

                “And you need to stop flirting with me!” Ford snapped, “I am so finished with listening to your constant ‘Hey Sixer, you look great in that lab coat! Hey Sixer, having a nice shower? Hey Sixer, want me to show you a species of fish that can eat your internal organs by phasing them through your skin?’” Ford made sure to use his air quotes and nasally Bill voice impression, and Bill had to fight back the urge to ‘aww’.

                “Hey! You LIKED those fish! You spent like, an hour sketching them in your book! Which was super annoying by the way, but I thought that date went really well!” Bill groused. Ford flushed a little.

                “That… that’s beside the point! They were scientifically interesting but… regardless! I don’t want you to flirt with me, I CERTAINLY don’t want nipple piercings!” Ford groaned, “I’m far too old to be getting something like that anyway.”

                “But!” Bill seemed to think for a moment, “But what about- don’t you mortals have a whole mid life crisis thing? Where you try to relive your youth and buy fancy cars and do extreme body modification and stuff?”

                Ford rolled his eyes. “Yes, but I had mine when I was in the nightmare realm literally fighting for my life and rebelling against your oppressive regime.”

                “Sounds to me like you missed out Sixer! Soooo…. Nipple piercings!” Bill held up the rings again. Ford merely shook his head and turned away. Bill was unhappy with that, and decided that this called for backup.

                Approximately ten minutes after Bill disappeared, Stan Pines appeared in the elevator and look absolutely… gleeful?

                “Oh god what now,” Ford groaned as Stan marched straight up to him and prodded him sharply in the chest. “Ow! What do you want, Lee?”

                “So? Is it true? What that stupid triangle said?” Stanley snorted, and Ford’s jaw dropped.

                “W-what did he say?”

                “He said that you’re too chicken to get a little nipple piercing! HA! That’s hilarious! You, all high and mighty smart guy, scared of a little needle! Hell, we’re in our seventies, we probably don’t even have any nerve endings left in there!”

                “Oh what! Like YOU have your nipples pierced?” Ford scoffed and rolled his eyes. Stan smirked. Ford looked horrified.

                “What? Seriously? But… _why_?”

                “I spent a lot of time in prison, I got lots of weird body mod stuff! Plus I sold a kidney. But I mean, midlife crisis hits us all differently. I had my midlife crisis in my twenties cause I figured I’d die in like ten years anyway! That didn’t happen somehow but… meh. Anyway, what’s wrong with some metal in the man-tits?” Stan grinned. Ford looked scandalized.

                “I am going to pretend that I never heard that,” Ford said slowly, then his eyes widened, “NO DON’T TAKE OFF YOUR- shirt.” Ford twitched as Stan twirled his shirt above his head, gold rings glinting off his chest.

                “Heh, check it out Sixer! I can make them dance!” Stan did a quick hustle, and the rings bounced up and down. Ford wanted to look away but couldn’t, mesmerized by the uncomfortable sight of his brother’s bouncing bejewelled boobies.

                “If this is supposed to be an advertisement to make me want nipple piercings it is not tempting at all.” Ford coughed, and still did not look away.

                “Keep telling yourself that!” Stan laughed, dancing with more enthusiasm.

                “Yeah! Keep telling yourself that Fordsy!” Bill cheered, popping into existence by Ford’s head holding pompoms and shouting gleefully for Stan to ‘work it’.

                “AH!” Ford jumped as Bill grabbed him around the shoulders as Stan danced closer.

                “Come on Sixer, don’tcha want to be twins again?” Stan asked in his ‘sweet’ voice that Ford found both moving and sickening.

                “Why are you teaming up with Bill? What is going on? I swear if I hadn’t sealed Bill’s powers myself I would think he was possessing you somehow. Or… or making an illusionary double. Or got another evil-aligned Stanley from another dimension.” Ford froze as repressed memories from the portal flashed before his eyes and he worked to press those down again.

                “Nope! But hey, I don’t like Bill. He tried to kill my family, and tried to destroy the world. But I am willing to overlook these things for a limited time, because the idea of taunting you into making a life altering decision is hilarious to me.” Stan’s grin was at Cheshire Cat proportions and Ford was beginning to sweat at how close Bill was to his body. Also about how he was running a finger lovingly over his chest.

                “Come on Fordsy, pierce your nips, pierce your nips,” Bill chanted into Ford’s ear.

                “Pierce your nips, pierce your nips!” Stan chanted, his fists shaking in the air in time with his words.

                “ALRIGHT!” Ford yelled, then gasped and threw his hands over his mouth, “Oh god did I say that? No, I take it back-“

                “NO TAKE BACKS!” Bill screamed, pushing Ford down on his desk, looking alight with malicious glee. Then he was suddenly punched out of the way and flew screaming into a wall. Stan growled as he pulled Ford to his feet.

                “Look, I’m all for teasing, but if you think I’ll let you force my brother into doing anything he’s not comfortable with, you’ve got another thing coming!” Stan snapped, holding his brass knuckles clenched in his fist.

                “I’ll do it.”

                “What?” Stan turned to stare at Ford, who was staring at… “Uh, Stanford, eyes up here?”

                “Er, sorry,” Ford forced his eyes up to Stan’s, “You’re right, I mean, what’s wrong with living a little? And… and I’ve fought monsters across dozens of dimensions! I shouldn’t be afraid of some ridiculous… erm. And I will admit it kind of looks… cool,” Ford flushed and gave a tiny smile. Both Stan and Bill fought back nosebleeds at how cute it was, and Bill quickly summoned a sterile needle and the barbells.

                “Alright, let’s do this!” Bill said, racing forward to yank up Ford’s shirt, ignoring his yelps. Stan batted Bill away. “Hey, quit it Fez! I want to do it!”

                “Oh yes, give the being who thinks pain is funny free reign with my brother’s nipples? I don’t think so! I’m doing it.” Stan grabbed the needle and turned to Ford, who was now flushing very hard.

                “Um, a-are you sure you want to do that, Stanley?”

                “Uh, yeah? Why wouldn’t I?”

                “I just- I never thought my twin brother would be interested in touching my nipples.”

                There was an awkward silence during which Bill tried to sneak up with a needle in hand. Stan punched him again without looking.

                “OW! WHY?!”

                “Look, er, I don’t know-“

                “WAIT!” Bill jumped back in, “What if Fez and I both took a nip and just pierced at the same time? That way it’s over faster, we both get to enjoy touching your nipples-“

                “I am NOT going to enjoy touching my brother’s nipples!”

                “Keep telling yourself that.” Bill rolled his eye and looked at Ford. “So, whatcha think, Fordsy?”

                Ford looked from Bill to Stan and back again. “Well, ah… in the interest of getting it over quickly… I… I guess both at once.”

                “Great!” Bill grinned, “I call Lefty!”

                “What?” Ford blinked as Bill and Stan each held their needles in hand and approached his chest. “W-wait, I uh, c-can I have just a m-moment and-“

                But there was no moment, and both needles and barbells entered to the sound of the most unmanly whine of pain in history.

                However, in the immediate aftermath, all seemed okay.

                “Hey, that wasn’t so bad!” Ford said with a smile, “It was over in a moment!” The man laughed, pulled down his shirt, and even agreed to go upstairs to eat something.

                Fifteen minutes later, Ford frowned over his Stancakes. “Huh, I suppose there is a little pain, but it’s nothing too bad.”

                “Your left nipple is bleeding,” Stan said, handing Ford a napkin.

                Five minutes later, Ford was sweating. “Uh, it’s starting to hurt more… is… is that normal?”

                “Yep,” Stan said, a tiny smirk working its way onto his face.

                Ten minutes later, Ford had tears in his eyes and had practically ripped his shirt off, whining about chaffing. Fifteen minutes later he was laying on the couch, whining that moving jostled them too much and holy shit why did he do this, why did he let them talk him into this, this was the worst idea ever.

                “Hey, don’t worry bro, the pain’ll die down in a day or two. Then you’ll probably want to go shirtless for the next week or so.”

                “A-a week? But… then it’ll heal right?”

                “Well no, I mean, you won’t be swimming for a month-“

                “And then it’ll be healed?”

                “Oh no, you have to wait three months to change the rings.”

                “And… then it’s healed?”

                “Oh no, you’ve got nine to twelve months before you can take the rings out for a while without them healing over. Till then, you wont want to jostle them too much. That’ll hurt. Oh, and you’ve got to make sure they’re cleaned thoroughly twice a day for the first couple weeks then once a day after. I’ll get you some sea salt for soaking and cleanser for washing. And some medicinal cue tips, believe me, you do NOT want an infection.” Stan shuddered.

                “I’m going to lick them!” Bill announced, turning his eyeball into a mouth with a long tongue rolling out, only to have it grabbed by Stan before it met its mark.

                “HEY! No sucking on them till they’re healed jackass! Or at least for six months, what did I just say about infection?”

                “WHAT?! I can’t play with them for six months? NO FAIR!” Bill whined.

                “You don’t have permission to play with them at all!” Ford snapped, covering his chest and them gasping in a silent scream as his finger accidently hit the piercing causing another wave of agony. “I hate both of you. Leave me alone to die.”

                “I’m gonna order pizza,” Stan said, heading for the kitchen as Bill hurried to follow, insisting on adding a triple serving of jalapeños to every slice.

                Ford lay staring at the ceiling, hating his life and wondering why he lets those morons talk him into anything.

**THE END**


End file.
